Finding my Shadow

Last year (2015) was all about finding my peace.  I spent the year seeking acceptance of myself, my life, my choices, and me...I know I said that twice, but it bears repeating. And I succeeded.   While nothing extrinsically changed in my life, I managed to calm my mind, let go of the toxicity of the previous couple of years, and make the changes that were necessary to find peace.   As an added bonus, I found happiness.  

It feels weird to say that. Really weird. Towards the end of the year, October 2015, I experienced two life altering events that changed me forever. The first was a mass shooting at the school I worked it. 8 students, 1 instructor, and the shooter all lost their lives that day while I sat hiding in the next building. Then later month my first grandchild was born with serious health issues and had to fight to survive.  You can't imagine pain until a doctor tells you to prepare to say goodbye  to a precious baby.  Fortunately, the little one has other plans and thanks to great providers, lots of love, and a sheer will to survive he pulled through.  So, how can I talk about finding happiness after all that?  Because I made it. Because I came through it changed but stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I am not minimizing either event They were both unimaginable events that reshaped my future-but those stories are for another day when I am ready to revisit them. This story is about coming out the other side. Stronger. Scarred. And yes, happier.

I am still plagued my many of the same self-doubts as most of the rest of the human race, or at least those of us in the U.S.   I'm not wealthy enough, I am not fit enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not smart enough....but the difference is I also recognized and accepted that I AM enough, just as I am, right now, today. Whatever my current reality is, it is enough.  I am enough.  That feels pretty good.

I wasn't sure whether or not it was reflecting outwards until a couple of months ago when a coworker happened to ask me what was going on in my life. They said I seemed to "radiate happiness."  What a nice thing to hear!  I believe this person was alluding to the fact that they suspected I had one of them "there men folk" in my life, but really it's just that I have me in my life. I found me....sort of like Peter Pan finding his shadow...I found my peace.


~D~